Searching For More
[from left to right: Cindy, me, and Betty in 2010]
Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine, Betty, committed suicide. She and I started hanging out more recently as we would talk about our struggles and battles over dinner. I remember always rooting for her, because she was amazing. She was smart, creative, and beautiful, inside and out. I am so sad I will not be able to grow our friendship to a deeper level, as it was headed there. She had this bass-driven talking voice that commanded my attention. She was a pretty tomboy with extraordinary amounts of talent. (I mean, not many people major in Math and Art at Berkeley!) I drove through the capillaries of the greater Los Angeles in a daze yesterday. She’s gone. And I get to live still. How can I pay my respects to her?
After a silent drive down the 405 back to my home on the west side, I decided that I’d dedicate the title track of the album, “A Better Part of Me” to Betty and her loved ones. I wrote that song while struggling with my own bout of depression. I dedicate the rest of the album to all the others who are hurting, and need some camaraderie. I want to bring my listeners more reasons to self-love.
We all have our personal challenges in overcoming life’s challenges and finding our voices, and currently, my path is pushing me to find my voice. To find a way to thread all the different, and unique vibes I create with each song into one album.
The sultry “Just as Good” is the one that declares”If you want the mountains, the curves of my hips are just as good”, and it needs to sit next to “From my Lips”, a TC-Helicon Voice LIve Touch-inspired tune that sings about inviting somebody to travel the distance between the lips and the heart. Meanwhile, I have 3 different working versions of a new song idea “Windmill”. The idea of being a strong and resilient structure, like the windmill, fascinates me. I have one version that is vocals and piano, then a heavy electronic version. And to complicate things my mind wrote an alternate chorus last night.
I am staying in on Friday night, digging deep, making family trees of all the artists that I grew up with, from Portishead to Imogen Heap to Nina Simone to Joni Mitchell. Who am I? Who influences me? I am looking at paintings and fashion, noting all the things that stand out to me. I continue scribbling random notes of wisdom that I garner off the internet.
There are so many uncertainties, but I thank God for the one certainty I have: I am writing this album for the parts of us that hope, and fight, and understand our unique beauty. I am writing the album for that voice that knows how to silence the negative ones. We can be fighters, and we can get through life’s terrible moments to find better ones.
I pray that Betty feels more peace tonight, and that I can write her a song that will reach the heavens, and make her feel alright. I pray that Betty knows we love her.
